ok if you read my blog because sometimes i may be mildy amusing or because at one point in time it was about remodeling a house – you should skip today’s post and come back another day.
also i want to warn you that the following may sound or feel dramatic and i don’t care. i’m taking full advantage today of my right to turn my tiny piece of cyberspace into a place where i unashamedly blurt out what i’m really thinking and feeling. take it or leave it.
so yesterday was monday schmunday for another reason. it officially marks the two-week countdown until my sister moves.
yes, you heard that right. my sister is moving. far away. to some place called washington d.c. it’s like 115 degrees there right now, but that’s not stopping them.
so here’s the thing. i’m not being very mature or selfless about the whole thing. tho i know i should. in my head, i know it’s going to be OK. that this is best for them. that my sister needs me to be supportive. that this is the right thing. that we’ll still see each other lots…the list goes on.
the problem is this: tho i know all those important facts in my head, all i can feel in my heart is sad.
sad. sad. sad.
the thing is, i’m not just losing my sister, i’m losing my best friend. and i’m scared of losing my sister and my best friend.
cause it’s a big loss.
you see, living in the same city these last four years has been literally a dream come true. (this dream is also known as the master plan, but we’ll save that for another post.) sharing our adult life together in the way that we have been able to has brought so much joy to my life. and i got carried away with that joy and began to hold onto a future that will no longer look the way i envisioned it. i’ve become so familiar and comfortable with life with them here, i fear the void with them not.
i’ve planned on them being here. for the little things and the big things. i’ve planned on a lot more impromptu family dinners, borrowing her clothes, more ski trips in the mountains, having her there when our future babies are born, raising kids together, growing old with one another.
and i have to let that go. because it’s not going to look the way i planned.
and quite frankly, i’m having a really hard time with that.
yes. duh. plenty of people don’t live near their sisters, and they’re still living and breathing. but have they had a taste of how wonderful it is? to share life together in this way? it’s a tease i tell you. once you know how good it is, it’s a lot harder to imagine any other way.
so i’m giving myself permission to be sad. to grieve. because this is my reality right now. i can’t talk myself out of how i feel, and i’m not ready to put it in perspective.
even if that makes me selfish and immature.
yes i know. i know that life is always better unplanned and when there is room for the unexpected. that sharing life together isn’t limited by geography. i know that a new, wonderful season awaits us both. but i’m not letting go without squeezing every last ounce out of this one.
because it’s been a really, really good time of life.
so the next two weeks will be a long goodbye. not just to my sister, but to the future i held on to too tightly.
and when it’s time – i’ll let my head speak to my heart, and i’ll begin to let in those words. the ones about everything being OK and for the best. and i’ll be happy and supportive. a little less selfish and little more mature.
and then i’ll begin to solicit money for plane tickets to that place called DC.
cause that will be our new reality. figuring out a way to continue to share life together.
until then – i’ll be that girl with the red eyes and red wine.
love you saster.